Another sleepless night goes by. As I lay in bed, empty hearted and lost, I wonder why I do this to myself. Why does it feel good to go through the pain? And why do the tears not destroy me? I find myself often bringing back the worst and the most hurtful memories, ones that should be locked away in a place unreachable in my mind. I dig through the good just to get to the worst. At this time of the night when sleep is just not an option, my brain decides to take me back. Back to the days I wished I would disappear, the days I couldn’t breath because my lungs could not adapt to the negativity in the atmosphere, because your words couldn’t escape my mind and slowly they were making me choke myself. The truth is those days can never really stay in the past. Every few weeks I wonder, that if I vanished into the air would anyone even notice. Would they even care. If I wouldn’t answer their first call would they be afraid of what might have happened or would they just brush it off as nothing. I also wonder do people really say what they feel or are they not trying to be rude to my face, do they have a different opinion of me when I’m not around. Do I even matter or could I just disappear and no one would notice?, am I really invisible?.
Hey, so I wrote this because it’s one of those nights when I feel empty, like there’s a whole inside me that just cannot be filled with anything other than darkness and pain. And what I do when I cannot sleep is I think, and when I think too much it leads to thinking about everything that is wrong in my life. All the things that i regret the things that hurt me the most and this just causes me to tear myself apart with my own bloody thoughts. So to anyone out there who does the same to themselves, or who is just having another sleepless night. Don’t worry its gonna be okay, it’s just your mind messing with you. And you are stronger than this so whatever thoughts come up, whichever memory makes you want to cry, know that it is just a thought or memory it will or already has passed. And you are important, you do matter. There is someone out there who is looking for you but doesn’t know where you are, and I hope you’re looking for them to. Because you two belong together maybe not now but if you pull through this, tomorrow may be the best day of your life, you might meet that person or you might just get a free gift card. But always remember you might not know what happens tomorrow but you are in charge of today so make today lead up to the best tomorrow. With love, H.