I’ll Sleep On The Floor

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I said I’ll sleep on the floor tonight. With Bon Iver playing from the vinyl on the top of your bookshelf. I turn my head to face the mason jar filled with “reasons to live” I scribbled with my trembling left hand at four in the morning when I thought I’d lost you to the flame colored crimson blood on your arms. And I told you I’d write you a song, a poem hell I’d even write a book for you but you didn’t need my words you needed so much more.

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Suffering And Smiling

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Suffering and smiling are two things I’ve learned to do side by side. Some days it feels like my intellect is collapsing the power to think for myself as it leans on opinions guarded by somebody else, but is that okay? I, I fail to push away the colorless spots my vision often creates, and my solid solid dreams are starting to loose their solidarity they don’t seem that real to me, anymore. Because I built my today on what will happen tomorrow, every day is like the burning wax under a candle flame, it’s never really here to stay. And I wonder how long till that candle withers away and I have to face the day.

Because someone once said that happiness is overrated but how can that be true when happiness is all that I’ve ever chased,

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I Can’t Accept Change

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I’ve never really been good at excepting change, whether it’s with something as small as buying clothes in colors apart from black or weather it’s something as large as moving house. Change doesn’t just scare me like it does most people, change is like that step from warmth straight into the winter snow. And there’s this feeling the unfamiliarity of a situation brings that I find hard to digest.

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A Quick Thank You.

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And I am no longer the girl in the picture frame sat atop your fireplace. The one with long hair, a smile showing teeth and skin soft as silk glowing under the warm summer sun. Glistening eyes under the light as my head rests upon your shoulder.

I don’t smile like that anymore and I almost never go outside. You still call to see if I’m alright. And I often say I’m fine. Then the line goes dead and my head slides back in the position it was a while ago, against the window. Staring at the sun as the rays shoot past trees, the warmth it brings gives rise to memories I had buried deep inside. Memories of you and I. -H

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Hey guys I just wanted to put in this little note type thingy at the end. So I reached a total of 1000 likes on my blog and that’s huge, at least for me it is. Because I never imagined I could get to where I am today, I’ve always thought of myself as a total flop in general.

I’ve always been clumsy and I’m super tall and awkward and I don’t do well when it comes to social situations. The list of my imperfections goes a long way and I’d hate to bore you so I’m just going to get to the point. I may be bad at almost everything I do but writing is something I truly believe I’m good at. And no I’m not the best and I can’t ever be the best because there will always be someone better than me out there and that’s not necessarily a bad thing, it just means I have more people to look up to and learn from.

I’m truly grateful for every single person that has taken the time to read my writing. You are amazing and you matter and I appreciate you. If any of you guys ever want someone to just talk to leave me a comment and we’ll talk, if you’re ever down or feel alone just come to me and I’d love to hear you out.

Once again thank you for blowing my mind with your amazing support and helping me reach my goals.-H

Things To Get Off My Chest, pt:1

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You live a hundred different lives. Each personality impaled into your chest, digging in like daggers thrust upon flesh.

I think back to the days you resembled something normal, when we could just sit at the dinner table, all four of us and we could talk about the neighbours dog, when making conversation wasn’t all that hard and sitting by you didn’t feel like the part of a job.

Now I pick the words I say, when I’m in a room with you I feel like I’m suffocating and the tension only rises from there. Zipped up mouths and every action is calculated, it doesn’t feel like a home anymore it’s more like an army camp.

And each day you come up with something new to fight about, something that shouldn’t matter at all. Accusations are made and fingers are pointed between you and her, I just sit aside not wanting to be caught in the storm you give birth to every night.

Flames dance on the ceiling of our house, the atmosphere always rigid. And I see you eating away at her brain and I wish I could say, but you’re too good at that game. How you twist it around and suddenly you’re the victim in this round.

And we’re not a family anymore, though we might have been long ago. We’re just a group people living under the same roof, simply because we have to.-H

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So I figured that every now and then there are going to be things that bother me, things that hurt me in my personal life. And keeping them buried in my body won’t do any good, but to have them sit in my drafts won’t either. That’s pretty much why I came up with this series type thingy called “Things To Get Off My Chest”. Here I’m just going to write about the things that I don’t want to weigh me down. And maybe this is the last time I do this or maybe this is a start to something great, whatever it is, all that I know is that I felt like doing it and so I did it.

All that I can hope is that you guys can find something to relate to, something take away. Even if it’s something small that really doesn’t matter as long as it’s something at all.-H

Friends |Story Time 

Hey guys, so I thought we could do a story today, since my brain just doesn’t feel like cooperating with me and that no matter what I write it just ends up as a bunch of words thrown together at once, or like someone jumbled up the alphabet and squished it into a paragraph.

So we’re gonna have to do with this for now.

You know those sayings about people walking into your life and walking out. Or how they were never “meant” to stay. Well I met a person like this once, she wasn’t ordinary and she was so much more than just special.

She was one of those people who are so excruciatingly intoxicating that being in their very presence would drive you nuts.

It started in an English class where my teacher liked my poetry so much that she decided that she needed to read it out to the class, after finding out that I couldn’t stop her I asked her to just say that the person who wrote it wants to stay anonymous, and by the grace of God she agreed. (Trust me my English teacher was hella stubborn)

And so she read out the poem and people seemed to love it, they looked around the class thinking of who had written it and none of them had the slightest of idea that I was the one behind it. I mean why would they? I was the girl who stuck by a small close group of friends and was famous for playing the most absurd of pranks on everyone.
But while they were all looking toward the quietest girl of the class, because it’s obvious right? It has to be the quiet shy one at the back, she has to be the one who writes the sad poetry. This one girl who sat in the same seat all year, the girl who had way to many boyfriends and a really good accent, she turned around, she didn’t say anything but she nodded at me. Which was enough to let me know that she got it.

And so what once was a backward glance and a slight nod in a classroom full of teenagers soon turned into a friendship. That only lasted for three months (pretty shitty I know).
But after spending three months by her side I realised that knowing someone’s favourite band or favourite movie doesn’t mean you know them, it just means you know a part of them, a very very small part of them.

I thought I knew her inside and out but all I really knew was that she liked to smoke, a lot. Her dad would give her drum lessons in their basement after school, and she wanted to be a model. But that’s pretty much it.
She was one of those people who don’t just admire from afar, no she wanted to be a part of it. My world, not that it was as exciting as it seemed. The thing was that I took her as someone who was there to stay, turned out she was just passing by.

But her short presence in my boring life taught me something. I stuck by her side because she made me feel special, she was one of those people who weren’t afraid of life, so when she got suspended from school one day, she didn’t sit home feeling bad. She spray painted all the walls in the girls toilet.
She would jump at the smallest mention of adventure, and she would never back out once she was in.

But that didn’t mean I knew her. Because knowing someone means sitting by them and rubbing their back when tears flow from their eyes.
Knowing someone means not only being there in the high, but holding hands when it starts to get low.

We never talked, we were never truly there. It was more like a version of my self was left at home when I was with her, I could never truly be myself.
And that’s just not right, is it?

And so no matter how much this girl and the mystery she was intrigued me, I distanced myself from her. And we went from cracking lame jokes at 3:00 am to just a “hi” or “hello” when we passed by eachother in the hallway.
And the worst part was that she didn’t notice.

I guess the moral of this story is that people will walk into your life in the craziest of ways, and you might think that it’s fate. Because they like your favourite band or because you both like the same color it doesn’t make you soulmates, it just makes you two people with similar tastes.

Remember to stick by those who value you, respect you, treat you like a human being but most of all know you. Not just certain parts of you, the whole you. The people who are there on your worst nights all the way to your best days, the people who you can talk to without being afraid. The ones that will not only give you a hand when you’re down, but a hug and an arm to keep you up.

I guess that’s it for now. I hope you guys enjoyed and I know that this was painfully long but it was kinda all I could come up with.
I do however promise to come back with a better and stronger post next time.-H

Nose Piercing Gone Wrong|Story Time

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Hi guys, so I just went through a really traumatising experience and so I thought I could share it with you. So buckle up because this is a story full of immense nose pain and loads of screaming, this is the story of how my nose piercing went wrong.

So I had just finished school and I had a shit load of time before I even started applying to colleges, so I thought “hey, I’m done with school I’m free so I should go and do something with my life to celebrate.” Okay half of me wanted to pierce my nose for that reason and the other half just wanted to look emo and punk, apart from that I really liked the idea of having my nose pierced, my mom had it done twice and she said it didn’t really hurt so I decided it was time for a change.

Now the actual process of getting my nose pierced didn’t hurt at all, I mean I barely flinched and it was over before I knew it. It was a day later that the trouble actually started. Now when they pierce your nose they have to put in a stopper inside your nose aswell so your nose pin doesn’t fall out, but I asked the person who pierced it if I could put it in later by myself, and he said yeah I could do it before sleeping. At this point I was happy I had my nose pierced and it didn’t even hurt as much as I expected.
I came home and everything was going great, the pin was even rotating (which they ask you to do after a while.) But soon it was time for me to sleep and I had to put in the stopper, so I grabbed the stopper and gently tried to put it inside my nose but guess what, my fingers weren’t fitting inside my nostrils, there was no possible way to actually put in the stopper without damaging the piercing in the process. So I didn’t put in and just went to sleep on the opposite side of the piercing.

Nothing happened the next morning, the nose pin didn’t fall out and surprisingly I didn’t hit it in my sleep either. So there was nothing to actually worry about, the nose pin was still rotating and there was no pain of any kind. I was going to be alright.
It was only about three hours after waking up that I was passing by a mirror in the house that I noticed a ring of frozen blood formed on the outside of my nose where the nose pin was. I was scared and confused at the same time but again there was no pain and the ring was rotating just fine, so I cleaned off the blood and brushed it off as nothing. However the bleeding didn’t stop, every so often I would look in the mirror there would be the same ring of frozen blood around my nose pin, by now I was freaking out so I decided to turn to Google for help, now everyone on Google said that it was ment to bleed and that there was nothing to worry about.

However my mom had gotten hers done twice and both of the times it didn’t bleed at all, so we thought maybe the metal of the nose pin wasn’t suiting me, we asked the person who had pierced it and he told us to put this stem from a tree, I don’t really know its name but it’s supposed to heal the wound and remove any infection, so we got the stem I took the nose pin out of my nose and it didn’t hurt at all, but there was blood coming out if the whole, I ignored the blood and asked my mom to put the stem in it anyway, and as soon as the stem thingy touched the hole in my nose I started screaming because suddenly it was hurting.

So my mom took the stem out and told me to leave it and for a moment I thought I was going to be okay but then I felt these vibrations going all through my brain and my head, it felt like someone was electrocuting my fucking brain, I was screaming and crying for it to stop, I put my hands over my forehead and I swear my hands were vibrating.

But through all of this I realised that I wasn’t screaming or crying because it was hurting, no I was crying because this was something I had never felt before, it was indescribable and I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. It was the not knowing what was happening that fucked me up. Because usually when we fall or cut our finger or something we know why we are feeling pain and we deal with it. But when it feels like you are going to faint, and your brain is literally vibrating inside your skull, there is no way to know what is happening and it’s the uncertainty of the situation that kills you.

So in short yesterday was the worst day of my life, I literally felt like I was going to die. But I have decided that I would still give the nose piercing thing another chance hopefully this time with someone more experienced, I know you could call me crazy but I liked it when I had a nose ring, it felt nice and if it was something that made me happy something I liked then I’m not willing to let it go that easily. Yeah it might hurt but it’s probably gonna be worth it. And hopefully the same shit won’t happen, once this is healed, I’ll give it another try.

I hope you guys enjoyed this story time, if any of you have experienced anything similar with their nose piercing or any piercing in general you can leave a comment below, hopefully it’ll make me feel less like a flop. I hope you have a great day. -H