And you cannot love me, for it is impossible to adore the human embodiment of fear, anxiety and confusion. When that is all that I am.
Some days I feel detached from my own damn body. Like I am a robot simply doing as told. Drifting with the wind.
I tend to focus on the smaller things in life. At one moment it’s all too bright and I can’t understand whether I even like the light. It stings my eyes, the sun.And when it’s dark, all I see is black. The color of thousands of men and women and children treated wrongly. Stolen rights and discrimination.
Because I’m complexity. I am the exact definition of turmoil. Distress radiates off of my skin and every hair on my body. How can you not see?
I am a mess. And you seem to be blind.
The very thought of you trying to turn the other cheek from my insecurities winds me up like a child’s toy. It twists my veins into knots I’m afraid will never be undone.
And I ask you why? Why don’t you see me the way I see myself?
You whisper in my ear making my skin spontaneously scream.
You say, “Because I love you. Because this is what loving is like.”-H
“You can easily lose yourself.The person you are, the things that join together to build every piece of you. It took you years to get where you stand today, and it might not be a place you want to be. Or it might not be a place you feel proud of. But think of all the little details that make you the person you are today. Think of the people you hold close to your heart and in the warmth of your love. And now think of those you’ve blocked outside of the walls you’ve built around you. Think of the colors that blind you and those that are just to dark. Think of all the right and the wrong turns you’ve made to reach where you are. Think of life as a map, only that this one is blank. So choose the places you visit carefully because they will end up on this map. And at the end of the day my map would have some dark places that I wouldn’t want to revisit but some would be so beautiful to look back at.
You can’t expect your life to be full of rainbows and flowers. You need to have a bump here and there that’s the only way you can become stronger, the only way to grow. So look at the place you stand today and make as many memories, mistakes and stupid decisions as you can. Because soon you will be looking back. And when you look back don’t you wanna smile and think of the total ass you were (and still probably are). Always remember that these awkward moments of embarrassment and weirdness are the best you’ll ever have. So embrace the awkwardness as long as it lasts. Because one day it will be gone and all you will have to remember it will be a stupid image in your head (or your smartphone) either way it will be gone so why not embrace it.“-H
“I never asked for your help when I was down, you begged me to tell you what was wrong but I pushed you away, thinking you would leave just like him. You looked into my eyes I looked away, you held my hand, I pulled away. You told me it was okay to cry but I said crying was for the weak. I prepared myself for the future, for your departure so well that I lost sight of the present. The truth is you were always there, I just wasn’t.” -H
Enjoy what you have now and stop worrying if it will be here tomorrow. Worrying won’t change the future, life is full of hardships but it’s also full of surprises. So let go for once and try to think about what you have now. Look around you, there are so many people who love you, enjoy every moment like it’s your last and don’t worry about what’s to come. I had everything I ever wanted, but I lost it, because I worried to much all I cared was if all of it would be there tomorrow. It turns out I worried to much, I forgot to enjoy and live in the moment and now when I look back all I feel is regret, if I would’ve lived back then I would have made remarkable and unforgettable memories. So take this from someone who’s been through it, don’t waste your time worrying. Be yourself, love yourself and embrace every moment, the good and the bad.